a blog for everyone and their mothers

Internal Age

Chloe Gordon

The other day I asked my grandpa what age he thought he was on the inside, and he got a kick out of the question. The thing is though, I didn’t ask as a joke. I genuinely think we all have an age that our soul is. Am I crazy? Probably. But if you think about it, there’s no way you feel your age. I mean I don’t. I don’t feel 23 at all. Some days I feel like I’m 12, some days I feel like I’m 87, and some days I get a little peek at what feeling 23 should feel like.

My grandpa is about to turn 81 but you’d never know it. He’s probably the most tech-savvy, trendy, live on the wild side 80-year old I’ve ever met. I mean he wears HOKAs for crying out loud. He knows how to take a screenshot on his iPhone. I told him what Sake Bombs are and he was so into the idea of doing them with my cousin and me. He’s cool, ok?

I wonder why we all feel different ages than the age we are. I have a theory that it’s based on how we like to live life. Do you want a fast, action-packed, lifestyle? Or do you want the slow and steady love every moment, including the bad one's kind of life?

I’ve always been into calligraphy. I’d rather talk about the books I recently read than those who kissed who at that party the other night. I really in truly like just sitting around the table talking with my friends about life and goals and stories we’ve lived.

So I asked my mom what age she thought I was on the inside, because, obviously, she knows me better than I know myself. At first, she said, “well your dad is definitely 19 on the inside.” Which makes sense, because he’d much rather be drinking a Natty Lite with his college pals at a lax game than discussing the stock market. But when she thought about me she said, “Oh honey, you haven’t reached your internal age yet. And you won’t reach it for a long long time.”

“Because it’s in my 80’s,” I half-jokingly said back.

“Correct,” she responded with a chuckle.